21 Things I Wish I'd Known About Dating When I Was 21

Now that I'm getting married, I hope to never, ever date again. There's nothing like a good date to make you feel great about yourself; but there's nothing like a bad date to make you want to go home, put on a Smiths album, and kill yourself slowly with a dull spoon.

1. If he doesn't look you in the eye when he says "I love you," he doesn't mean it.
2. Married = no.
3. If he's rude to the waiter, he'll be rude to you. Manners are important. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who yells in public/chews with his mouth open/flips off old ladies in traffic?
4. Men will always revert to the path of least resistance. This is why most men are slobs. If you start cleaning for them, they will never. Never. do it themselves.
5. He doesn't think about you constantly, even if you think about him constantly.
6. If he really wants to see you, he'll make time. Even if he's a 100-hour-a-week corporate lawyer. If he's "too busy," he doesn't want to see you badly enough.
7. Men mean what they say. There's no nuance there. Quit trying to overanalyze it.
8. Do not mistake "charming" for "well-mannered."
9. Do not mistake "charming" for "he really, really likes me!"
10. Do not mistake "charming" for "ready to settle down."
11. Just because he believes what comes out of his mouth, doesn't mean it's true.
12. A little kink is one thing. A man who gets off on humiliating you is something else entirely.
13. If you keep ending up with the same kind of asshole, the problem isn't that men are assholes. The problem is you.
14. He gets extra bonus points for knowing how to dress himself, but a good wardrobe doesn't always equal class. I've known men with closets full of $2,000 suits who were complete asses, and men who wore white socks with black tennis shoes who were complete sweethearts. A wardrobe can be improved. Lack of class can't.
15. Listen to your friends. If they unanimously hate someone, that means something.
16. A man who makes fun of you/your family/your hometown/the fact that you grew up poor is an ass. Even if he takes you to dinner at Daniel, if he starts humming the "Deliverance" theme when you tell him you grew up in the sticks, you need to get up and leave. Don't wait for dessert.
17. If his kiss is gross/doesn't turn you on (wet/sloppy/cow tongue/whatever), there's no fix for that. Move on.
18. If he can only talk about himself, he can only think about himself. Move on.
19. A man who can't open up enough to allow new foods/experiences/ideas into his life will not be able to let new people into his life. Including you. He has control issues. Move on.
20. If it didn't work out the first time, it won't work out the second time.
21. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Single people always want to be married, married people always want to be single again. Quit trying to be something else, and concentrate on the good things you have right now.

Distilled into the Four Jenny Rules of Relationships:
1. The more sex, the better.
2. You can't change a man.
3. Pick your fights.
4. Keep some money, some time, and some things to yourself.