And no, I'm not talking about wedding planning or who will be in charge of unloading the dishwasher (although those things are important, too).
1. Finances. Both people should get all their financial paperwork (ALL of it) and sit down. What's your cumulative savings? Debt? Earnings? Retirement savings? Open a joint checking and savings account, and change your automatic deposits. Discuss whether to open or create any joint credit cards. Figure out a household budget. Discuss significant assets (does anyone own a house? A car? Real estate? Pricey art or toys? Will these be jointly held after the marriage?). Discuss future significant purchases--house, car. Create a debt repayment plan, if necessary. Open a 401K or IRA, if necessary.
2. Get life and disability insurance.
3. Create wills, living wills, and advance health-care directives.
4. Merge all the household stuff. Will you have two of everything or will there be gaps? Figure out the best way to unload all the duplicates, and to get the things neither one of you has. Are you missing furniture, kitchen stuff? Do things need to be upgraded?
5. Add each other to your car insurance policies.
6. Consolidate household/renter's insurance and make sure you have enough to cover both people's possessions (especially electronics). Will you need earthquake or flood insurance?
7. Figure out tax implications. Will you be hit by the infamous marriage tax? Either way, you'll need to adjust your withholding.
8. Discuss future plans. Kids? Home ownership? Early retirement? How to spend the holidays? Travel? What will everything look like one year from now? Five years? Ten years? Pursuant to kids, how will you raise them? Will one person quit his/her job and stay home? Can you live on one salary? Will you move to a bigger house/apartment/different city? Will one person's career take precedence over the other's?
9. Make sure everyone has a current passport. (Just in case.)
10. Make copies of everything--all the financial paperwork and insurance policies, all the wills and legal paperwork, all your different account numbers and passwords, your driver's licenses, Social Security cards and passports, and backups of both your hard drives. Store one set somewhere outside your home--with your parents, in a bank safety deposit box, in a safe at work. That way if your house burns down, you've got copies of everything.
I'm happy to say we've done all these things.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
28 days to go!
Now my brain is torturing me with all the things that could go wrong. Not the little things, mind you--I'm not worried about having enough food, or whether it will rain, or where people will park, or calculating the exact likelihood that I'll drip barbecue sauce down the front of my wedding dress (I'd say somewhere between 73 and 97%, depending on how much champagne is my system at the time). I'm panicking about big stuff--maybe my sister will go into premature labor. Maybe someone will drop dead of a heart attack. Maybe our plane will fall out of the sky en route. Maybe I'll get left at the altar after all. Maybe my boss will like my two-week replacement temp so much they fire me and hire her instead.
Is this normal? Feeling panicked about things I have absolutely no control over? Maybe that's the whole point, that I can't control those things and that's why my brain is torturing me with them. It's not cold feet, per se. I'm not panicking about the actual getting married part (though I am a little worried I'll cry in front of everyone. Thank God for waterproof mascara). Probably I just need more of a life right now, to distract myself from thinking about the wedding all. the. time.
Then again, it's probably a good sign I'm worried about airline crashes and earthquakes, rather than, you know, getting married. :-)
Is this normal? Feeling panicked about things I have absolutely no control over? Maybe that's the whole point, that I can't control those things and that's why my brain is torturing me with them. It's not cold feet, per se. I'm not panicking about the actual getting married part (though I am a little worried I'll cry in front of everyone. Thank God for waterproof mascara). Probably I just need more of a life right now, to distract myself from thinking about the wedding all. the. time.
Then again, it's probably a good sign I'm worried about airline crashes and earthquakes, rather than, you know, getting married. :-)
Theatre review: The Language Archive
I totally forgot to post my review of Julia Cho's new play at South Coast Rep, The Language Archive! We saw it last weekend.
So, this'll be a quick review. I like Julia Cho's work, and she just won the Susan Smith Blackburn prize for female playwrights for this play. I'm pretty sure I saw her Architecture of Loss at New York Theatre Workshop. While at times the pacing of SCR's production was a bit slow for me, it was a lovely play, with great actors and a really gorgeous set. I'll link to the OC Register's review because I'm lazy, and because my brain has been too full of wedding nonsense lately to hold much else. Sorry.
So, this'll be a quick review. I like Julia Cho's work, and she just won the Susan Smith Blackburn prize for female playwrights for this play. I'm pretty sure I saw her Architecture of Loss at New York Theatre Workshop. While at times the pacing of SCR's production was a bit slow for me, it was a lovely play, with great actors and a really gorgeous set. I'll link to the OC Register's review because I'm lazy, and because my brain has been too full of wedding nonsense lately to hold much else. Sorry.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Public school follow-up
Wow, that struck a nerve. I've been getting emails all morning from people who were also bullied incessantly--including my sister, who got an ulcer from it in fifth grade, and at least one person whom I'd considered to be one of the cool kids. Yep, he got it, too. And someone I know got an apology based on my post! Crazy! My sister will be homeschooling her kids too, btw, for all the reasons I mentioned.
Where were the adults in all this, you ask? That's a good question. I don't remember. But my story is less about "where were the adults" than about the system in general. The current public school setup is an outdated throwback to when we were a rural farming nation. Fast-forward a century. Kids no longer need to be home at 3 pm to help with farmwork before sunset, yet schools still let out at 3 pm--this when the vast majority of parents work until 5 pm or later. Kids no longer need to be home all summer to help bring in the harvest, yet schools still close up in June and reopen in September, meaning the first two months of every school year have to be dedicated to reteaching everything that's been forgotten since June. Any number of tests have proven that teenagers need extra sleep, yet high schools still typically start classes at 7:30 or 8 am--in many cases long before the elementary schools open. The things that kids really need--plenty of exercise, good fresh nutritious food, a nurturing environment, intellectual stimulation in the form of arts, music, travel and cultural opportunities--are all the first things on the chopping block when budget time rolls around. Kids are pressganged into unnatural groupings based on age, and then punished when their grades or social abilities aren't "grade level." No one matures at "grade level." I've worked a lot of jobs in my life, and I was expected to work with people of all age groups, of all different abilities, yet I was never given that opportunity in school until college. It's no wonder that overcrowded classrooms devolve into these completely Darwinian settings. You could transplant most episodes of "Oz" into any middle school classroom in the country, and minus the orange jumpsuits, they'd be exactly the same. Why is no one else uncomfortable that schools look more and more like prisons? And that children act more and more like criminals?
I'm constantly amazed how this country can find the money to support a completely unnecessary war, but can't be bothered to educate its children. And, okay, the government has never had its priorities straight and never will, by virtue of it being a government. But I'd think local communities would make more of an effort to correct that error. No one likes paying taxes, but taxes give us the framework for society--roads, bridges, schools, DMV offices, courthouses and police officers. We can find money to build new prisons, but not to hire new teachers. We can find money to build bridges to nowhere in Alaska, but can't repair the ones we already have. Every bank and car company in the country gets massive bailouts when their business systems prove completely retarded, but libraries, public transportation systems, and schools get shafted yet again.
Here's an interesting aside: in 1948, Costa Rica abolished its military by constitutional amendment, and funneled all that money into education, health care and infrastructure. Costa Rica now enjoys universal free public and higher education, free health care, and the highest standard of living in Central and South America, and is one of the greenest, most progressive, and happiest nations on earth.
Just sayin'.
Where were the adults in all this, you ask? That's a good question. I don't remember. But my story is less about "where were the adults" than about the system in general. The current public school setup is an outdated throwback to when we were a rural farming nation. Fast-forward a century. Kids no longer need to be home at 3 pm to help with farmwork before sunset, yet schools still let out at 3 pm--this when the vast majority of parents work until 5 pm or later. Kids no longer need to be home all summer to help bring in the harvest, yet schools still close up in June and reopen in September, meaning the first two months of every school year have to be dedicated to reteaching everything that's been forgotten since June. Any number of tests have proven that teenagers need extra sleep, yet high schools still typically start classes at 7:30 or 8 am--in many cases long before the elementary schools open. The things that kids really need--plenty of exercise, good fresh nutritious food, a nurturing environment, intellectual stimulation in the form of arts, music, travel and cultural opportunities--are all the first things on the chopping block when budget time rolls around. Kids are pressganged into unnatural groupings based on age, and then punished when their grades or social abilities aren't "grade level." No one matures at "grade level." I've worked a lot of jobs in my life, and I was expected to work with people of all age groups, of all different abilities, yet I was never given that opportunity in school until college. It's no wonder that overcrowded classrooms devolve into these completely Darwinian settings. You could transplant most episodes of "Oz" into any middle school classroom in the country, and minus the orange jumpsuits, they'd be exactly the same. Why is no one else uncomfortable that schools look more and more like prisons? And that children act more and more like criminals?
I'm constantly amazed how this country can find the money to support a completely unnecessary war, but can't be bothered to educate its children. And, okay, the government has never had its priorities straight and never will, by virtue of it being a government. But I'd think local communities would make more of an effort to correct that error. No one likes paying taxes, but taxes give us the framework for society--roads, bridges, schools, DMV offices, courthouses and police officers. We can find money to build new prisons, but not to hire new teachers. We can find money to build bridges to nowhere in Alaska, but can't repair the ones we already have. Every bank and car company in the country gets massive bailouts when their business systems prove completely retarded, but libraries, public transportation systems, and schools get shafted yet again.
Here's an interesting aside: in 1948, Costa Rica abolished its military by constitutional amendment, and funneled all that money into education, health care and infrastructure. Costa Rica now enjoys universal free public and higher education, free health care, and the highest standard of living in Central and South America, and is one of the greenest, most progressive, and happiest nations on earth.
Just sayin'.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
21 Things I Wish I'd Known About Dating When I Was 21
Now that I'm getting married, I hope to never, ever date again. There's nothing like a good date to make you feel great about yourself; but there's nothing like a bad date to make you want to go home, put on a Smiths album, and kill yourself slowly with a dull spoon.
1. If he doesn't look you in the eye when he says "I love you," he doesn't mean it.
2. Married = no.
3. If he's rude to the waiter, he'll be rude to you. Manners are important. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who yells in public/chews with his mouth open/flips off old ladies in traffic?
4. Men will always revert to the path of least resistance. This is why most men are slobs. If you start cleaning for them, they will never. Never. do it themselves.
5. He doesn't think about you constantly, even if you think about him constantly.
6. If he really wants to see you, he'll make time. Even if he's a 100-hour-a-week corporate lawyer. If he's "too busy," he doesn't want to see you badly enough.
7. Men mean what they say. There's no nuance there. Quit trying to overanalyze it.
8. Do not mistake "charming" for "well-mannered."
9. Do not mistake "charming" for "he really, really likes me!"
10. Do not mistake "charming" for "ready to settle down."
11. Just because he believes what comes out of his mouth, doesn't mean it's true.
12. A little kink is one thing. A man who gets off on humiliating you is something else entirely.
13. If you keep ending up with the same kind of asshole, the problem isn't that men are assholes. The problem is you.
14. He gets extra bonus points for knowing how to dress himself, but a good wardrobe doesn't always equal class. I've known men with closets full of $2,000 suits who were complete asses, and men who wore white socks with black tennis shoes who were complete sweethearts. A wardrobe can be improved. Lack of class can't.
15. Listen to your friends. If they unanimously hate someone, that means something.
16. A man who makes fun of you/your family/your hometown/the fact that you grew up poor is an ass. Even if he takes you to dinner at Daniel, if he starts humming the "Deliverance" theme when you tell him you grew up in the sticks, you need to get up and leave. Don't wait for dessert.
17. If his kiss is gross/doesn't turn you on (wet/sloppy/cow tongue/whatever), there's no fix for that. Move on.
18. If he can only talk about himself, he can only think about himself. Move on.
19. A man who can't open up enough to allow new foods/experiences/ideas into his life will not be able to let new people into his life. Including you. He has control issues. Move on.
20. If it didn't work out the first time, it won't work out the second time.
21. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Single people always want to be married, married people always want to be single again. Quit trying to be something else, and concentrate on the good things you have right now.
Distilled into the Four Jenny Rules of Relationships:
1. The more sex, the better.
2. You can't change a man.
3. Pick your fights.
4. Keep some money, some time, and some things to yourself.
1. If he doesn't look you in the eye when he says "I love you," he doesn't mean it.
2. Married = no.
3. If he's rude to the waiter, he'll be rude to you. Manners are important. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who yells in public/chews with his mouth open/flips off old ladies in traffic?
4. Men will always revert to the path of least resistance. This is why most men are slobs. If you start cleaning for them, they will never. Never. do it themselves.
5. He doesn't think about you constantly, even if you think about him constantly.
6. If he really wants to see you, he'll make time. Even if he's a 100-hour-a-week corporate lawyer. If he's "too busy," he doesn't want to see you badly enough.
7. Men mean what they say. There's no nuance there. Quit trying to overanalyze it.
8. Do not mistake "charming" for "well-mannered."
9. Do not mistake "charming" for "he really, really likes me!"
10. Do not mistake "charming" for "ready to settle down."
11. Just because he believes what comes out of his mouth, doesn't mean it's true.
12. A little kink is one thing. A man who gets off on humiliating you is something else entirely.
13. If you keep ending up with the same kind of asshole, the problem isn't that men are assholes. The problem is you.
14. He gets extra bonus points for knowing how to dress himself, but a good wardrobe doesn't always equal class. I've known men with closets full of $2,000 suits who were complete asses, and men who wore white socks with black tennis shoes who were complete sweethearts. A wardrobe can be improved. Lack of class can't.
15. Listen to your friends. If they unanimously hate someone, that means something.
16. A man who makes fun of you/your family/your hometown/the fact that you grew up poor is an ass. Even if he takes you to dinner at Daniel, if he starts humming the "Deliverance" theme when you tell him you grew up in the sticks, you need to get up and leave. Don't wait for dessert.
17. If his kiss is gross/doesn't turn you on (wet/sloppy/cow tongue/whatever), there's no fix for that. Move on.
18. If he can only talk about himself, he can only think about himself. Move on.
19. A man who can't open up enough to allow new foods/experiences/ideas into his life will not be able to let new people into his life. Including you. He has control issues. Move on.
20. If it didn't work out the first time, it won't work out the second time.
21. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Single people always want to be married, married people always want to be single again. Quit trying to be something else, and concentrate on the good things you have right now.
Distilled into the Four Jenny Rules of Relationships:
1. The more sex, the better.
2. You can't change a man.
3. Pick your fights.
4. Keep some money, some time, and some things to yourself.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
No news is good news
We have no money, it's all being saved for the wedding, so we never go out. We're practicing being old married people with no life. With one exception--last week, my better half's work threw a celebratory dinner for his division, at one of the local Italian chains. Think Olive Garden with more kitsch on the walls. Hey, it was free dinner and drinks, we went. But I was reminded of why I don't go to chain restaurants. The drinks were awful, essentially alcoholic glucose. They were all sugar and no actual flavor. The food was equally bad; the meat sauce tasted like it came out of a can and the chicken parmesan was obviously a pre-frozen, pre-breaded cutlet made from leftover chicken parts. I could taste the fake charred grill flavoring. Meanwhile everyone around me was raving about how good everything was. This tells me that either I really am a food snob, or people have appallingly low standards for food. (I suspect some of both.)
Speaking of food, I'm attempting not to buy groceries between, well, six weeks ago and the wedding. Mostly because we can't afford it, all extra money has gone to wedding savings and paying my better half's taxes. But it's also an interesting experiment to see how long a fully stocked pantry can last. It's starting to get bare in places, and I'm becoming increasingly creative. And thank goodness for our biweekly CSA box of fresh fruits and veggies, otherwise we'd have no fresh fruits and veggies right now. The liquor supplies are also starting to run out, but we've got plenty of wine. I did have to break down and make a Sam's run about three weeks ago (I needed cat litter, onions and potatoes, which no household can run without) and I'll have to get more peanut butter to feed the kid, but otherwise I'm pretty sure we can make it. The adults will be eating lots of beans and potatoes, but there's plenty of meat in the freezer. Turns out a well-stocked pantry can last for upwards of two, almost three months without significant replenishment. That means we can leave for the wedding with an empty refrigerator and make a full grocery run when we get back.
There's not really anything to report. This past weekend was our last leisurely one between now and the wedding. Pretty soon I'll have to start scrounging for RSVPs. If you haven't RSVPd, now's your chance!
Speaking of food, I'm attempting not to buy groceries between, well, six weeks ago and the wedding. Mostly because we can't afford it, all extra money has gone to wedding savings and paying my better half's taxes. But it's also an interesting experiment to see how long a fully stocked pantry can last. It's starting to get bare in places, and I'm becoming increasingly creative. And thank goodness for our biweekly CSA box of fresh fruits and veggies, otherwise we'd have no fresh fruits and veggies right now. The liquor supplies are also starting to run out, but we've got plenty of wine. I did have to break down and make a Sam's run about three weeks ago (I needed cat litter, onions and potatoes, which no household can run without) and I'll have to get more peanut butter to feed the kid, but otherwise I'm pretty sure we can make it. The adults will be eating lots of beans and potatoes, but there's plenty of meat in the freezer. Turns out a well-stocked pantry can last for upwards of two, almost three months without significant replenishment. That means we can leave for the wedding with an empty refrigerator and make a full grocery run when we get back.
There's not really anything to report. This past weekend was our last leisurely one between now and the wedding. Pretty soon I'll have to start scrounging for RSVPs. If you haven't RSVPd, now's your chance!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
If I go gray between now and the wedding, it will be because of earthquakes and not because of wedding-related stress
Srsly. There was another noticeable aftershock today. I got to feel my office building sway back and forth. Hello, God? It's me. That's plenty for now, I'm good on the earthquakes, can I stop looking at my water bottle waiting for the water to start shaking like in Jurassic Park? Kthxbai.
A nice lady came to our apartment yesterday to do a medical exam for our life insurance. I find it very amusing that State Farm will send a medical professional to our home, but under no other circumstances would I ever get a house call. Why is that? I would pay extra out-of-pocket to have a doctor come to my apartment. Ditto the vet. Why isn't there some enterprising doc out there doing this? Anyway, I got to pee into a cup in the comfort of my own bathroom. Also my cat was very entertained by the blood pressure cuff. Good times.
A nice lady came to our apartment yesterday to do a medical exam for our life insurance. I find it very amusing that State Farm will send a medical professional to our home, but under no other circumstances would I ever get a house call. Why is that? I would pay extra out-of-pocket to have a doctor come to my apartment. Ditto the vet. Why isn't there some enterprising doc out there doing this? Anyway, I got to pee into a cup in the comfort of my own bathroom. Also my cat was very entertained by the blood pressure cuff. Good times.
Monday, April 5, 2010
My first big earthquake
It's been a rollercoaster of a weekend, almost literally. I'll work backwards, shall I? Yesterday afternoon, I experienced my first big earthquake. 7.2, with the epicenter about 108 miles away. Everything shook visibly for close to a minute (my boss described it as "a lot more rolling than usual"). My soon-to-be-husband and I took refuge in a doorway. No damage fortunately, other than two broken glasses. But the bookshelves swayed, things on tabletops and desks moved all over the place, the liquor bottles banged against each other, the water in the swimming pool sloshed out. One cat slept through it, the other is still hiding under the sofa. Poor thing--she finally ventured out at one point last night, just in time for an aftershock, which sent her right back under.
I've lived through hurricanes, (little) tornadoes, floods, ice storms, whiteout blizzards, and a Memphis summer with no air conditioning, and I'd rather take them all at once than deal with another earthquake. It's a sickening feeling--there's no warning, and nothing you can do. You can only hang on for dear life, and hope 1) the ceiling doesn't cave in on you or 2) the earth doesn't open up beneath your feet. Plus there are aftershocks. In the grand scheme of things, of course, it wasn't a big deal. No damage, no injuries. The neighbors came out, looked around, said "I've felt worse," and went back inside. That was the end of it. But still. My heart raced for the better part of six hours yesterday. I think I used up my yearly supply of adrenalin. And every time my fiance shifted in bed last night, I woke up terrified, thinking it was another aftershock.
Before that, yesterday morning, I discovered we ("we" meaning "not me") owed significantly more money to the IRS this year than previously suspected. Meaning yesterday was pretty much a wash. Although Saturday was a better day--we finished the fifth season of "Lost", I got a check in the mail, and discovered I'd been sent an incredibly thoughtful wedding gift. My friend K in New York is currently dealing with her two-year-old's brain cancer. Surgeries, chemo, specialists, I'm sure her entire family is in medical hell right now. And somehow she found time to send me a wedding present. I burst out crying in the kitchen when I opened it. When I become Ruler of the Universe, cancer will officially be banned, and no one under the age of 47 will ever get sick. K, you are awesome. I'm still praying to every god I can think of for you.
Friday I had the day off. I didn't do anything particularly exciting (no money), but I got to spend the day cooking and cleaning and gossiping with my mom and sister over the phone. It was the last non-weekend day off I'll get before we leave for the wedding, and considering that I had no money, it was a pretty good way to spend the day.
So, to recap: wedding presents good. More debt bad. Earthquakes REALLY, REALLY bad. That is all.
I've lived through hurricanes, (little) tornadoes, floods, ice storms, whiteout blizzards, and a Memphis summer with no air conditioning, and I'd rather take them all at once than deal with another earthquake. It's a sickening feeling--there's no warning, and nothing you can do. You can only hang on for dear life, and hope 1) the ceiling doesn't cave in on you or 2) the earth doesn't open up beneath your feet. Plus there are aftershocks. In the grand scheme of things, of course, it wasn't a big deal. No damage, no injuries. The neighbors came out, looked around, said "I've felt worse," and went back inside. That was the end of it. But still. My heart raced for the better part of six hours yesterday. I think I used up my yearly supply of adrenalin. And every time my fiance shifted in bed last night, I woke up terrified, thinking it was another aftershock.
Before that, yesterday morning, I discovered we ("we" meaning "not me") owed significantly more money to the IRS this year than previously suspected. Meaning yesterday was pretty much a wash. Although Saturday was a better day--we finished the fifth season of "Lost", I got a check in the mail, and discovered I'd been sent an incredibly thoughtful wedding gift. My friend K in New York is currently dealing with her two-year-old's brain cancer. Surgeries, chemo, specialists, I'm sure her entire family is in medical hell right now. And somehow she found time to send me a wedding present. I burst out crying in the kitchen when I opened it. When I become Ruler of the Universe, cancer will officially be banned, and no one under the age of 47 will ever get sick. K, you are awesome. I'm still praying to every god I can think of for you.
Friday I had the day off. I didn't do anything particularly exciting (no money), but I got to spend the day cooking and cleaning and gossiping with my mom and sister over the phone. It was the last non-weekend day off I'll get before we leave for the wedding, and considering that I had no money, it was a pretty good way to spend the day.
So, to recap: wedding presents good. More debt bad. Earthquakes REALLY, REALLY bad. That is all.
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