"Tramps like us, baby, we were born to run."

It’s been an amazing journey. I burned through every last red cent I owned in the world, and I am now officially flat broke, but it was worth every penny. This trip was, without a doubt, the best thing I’ve ever done (and that includes not getting married when I was 21). Before I left, I was miserable. Unemployed, single, worried about money, going through some sort of midlife crisis, dealing with unexpected emotional fallout from my last relationship, and stuck in a variety of ruts. I found myself thinking things like, “I just have to wait until 4:00, that’s when the bar opens, then I’ll have something to do.” Never a good sign.

Now? I’m happier than I can ever remember being. And I finally feel like myself. I feel present in my own life, doing exactly what it is I’m meant to be doing. I’m completely head over heels in love with a man who reciprocates that feeling totally, who is already more open and honest with me than—-well, anyone I’ve ever dated. I’ve made some amazing friends on the road, reconnected with many old friends, and learned that I’m not the socially maladjusted awkward lump I so often felt like in New York. And I finally scratched that deep, burning wanderlust itch that one-week vacations just weren’t scratching. Granted, I didn’t get to explore anything really in depth, I just didn’t have the time. But that was never the point. The whole point of this trip was always the Greatest Hits of America. And even the worst days, when I was logging 600 or 700 miles and not seeing anything worthwhile, were infinitely better than being stuck in an office.

So...things I’ve learned:

1. Pee when you can. This is absolutely Rule #1 of Successful Road-Tripping. If there is a flush toilet within 500 feet of you, use it—even if you don’t think you need to. Because you do.
2. Do not attempt to eat lunch out of your lap unless you are wearing black pants.
3. Baked-on windshield bug goo is permanent and cannot be removed even with a sledgehammer. Why can’t they build planes out of this?
4. You have more friends than you think.
5. This is a big damn country.
6. If you are cranky and tense, stop. Get out of the car. Eat something. Reassess.
7. It is advisable to bring a fleece—-and not wear flip-flops—-to any national park which features the word “Glacier.”
8. RV owners are actually evil alien warlords in disguise, intent on disrupting normal traffic patterns so that they can take over the world. Avoid all RVs at all costs. I’ve started flipping them off just on general principle.
9. A sign saying, “Caution: Rough Road Ahead” is probably accurate.
10. Cheap hotels offer far more for your dollar than expensive hotels. A $40 room at the Motel 6 will get me a refrigerator, microwave, coffeepot, wi-fi, free breakfast, and a bunch of cable channels. Plus laundry facilities. A $600 room in Vegas—-or even a $200 room at the W in Chicago—-gets me a bathrobe. That’s it. An internet connection is $15 a day, I get three cable channels, and just try getting a coffeepot. Why, God? Why?

I’ve become an expert at doing things other than driving, while driving. Which is very, very bad. Kids, do not try this at home. But I can now drive and eat, drink, program the GPS, switch the GPS charger with the phone charger, fiddle with the iPod/radio, make phone calls, text (VERY bad, I know, but I never did it when there was another car within half a mile of me), put things in the backseat, get things out of the backseat, read a map, get stains out of my shirt and/or pants, read guidebooks, put on makeup, tweeze my eyebrows, file my nails, put a jacket on, take a jacket off, floss...well, you get the idea.

I’ve also perfected my karaoke skills (one of the many benefits of road-tripping alone) and can now rock the house to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’,” The Eagles’ “Already Gone,” Bruce Springsteen’s “Born to Run,” Cowboy Junkies’ “Miles From Our Home,” and Van Halen’s “Why Can’t This Be Love.” Lest you think my musical tastes completely antiquated, I’ve also been working on Jay-Z’s “Dirt Off Your Shoulder,” Eminem’s “Lose Yourself,” Gorillaz’ “Dare,” and The Killers’ “Mr. Brightside.” I can do a pretty decent air-guitar (while driving) version of AC/DC’s “For Those About to Rock (We Salute You),” and I discovered that Smashing Pumpkins makes for surprisingly good road trip music.

Other songs included on my iPod “Road Trip” playlist:
“Running on Empty,” Jackson Browne
“Against the Wind,” Bob Seger
“Here I Go Again,” Whitesnake
“Go Your Own Way,” Fleetwood Mac
“America,” Simon and Garfunkel
“Dirt Road Blues,” Bob Dylan
“On the Road Again,” Canned Heat
“Sweet Virginia,” Rolling Stones
“Where the Streets Have No Name,” U2
“Into the Great Wide Open,” Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
“Hit the Road, Jack,” Ray Charles
“Don’t Look Back,” Boston
“Ramblin’ Man,” Allman Brothers
“Free,” Concrete Blonde
“Freedom,” George Michael
“Freedom,” Jimi Hendrix
“In A Big Country,” Big Country

And a little summation:

Most Beautiful Sights:
1. Grand Tetons, Wyoming
2. Big Sur, California
3. Sunset over Badlands, South Dakota
4. Sunrise over Malibu, California
5. Sunrise over Monument Valley, Utah. Actually, Utah in general.
6. Atlantic Ocean at night, Massachusetts
7. Early morning fog in Glacier National Park, Montana
8. Green Mountains of Vermont/White Mountains of New Hampshire
9. Fourth of July fireworks over La Jolla Beach/Pacific Ocean, California
10. The NYC skyline. Home.

Favorite places:
1. Southern California
2. Chicago
3. Montana/Wyoming
4. Seattle/Vancouver
5. Utah

Worst Roads:
1. California
2. Maine
3. Texas
4. Any state which touches a Great Lake.

Most Worthless States:
1. Maine
2. Yellowstone (not a state, I know, but you can definitely skip it)
3. Wisconsin
4. Iowa
5. North Carolina
6. Michigan
7. Alabama

Favorite Stretch of Driving:
Interstate 15 south, from Montana into Idaho and then from Salt Lake City south

And should you be tempted to do this yourself:

Good Things to Have in Your Car:
1. Road food. Beef jerky, granola bars, dried fruit, trail mix, etc. Also bottled water, tea, and powdered Gatorade for hangovers. A travel mug and a cooler.
2. GPS, iPod and iPhone. Chargers for all the above.
3. Road atlas and maps.
4. Camera.
5. Sunscreen.
6. Flashlight and umbrella.
7. Tissues and paper towels.
8. One of those windshield visor things that keeps your car from overheating.
9. Advil, chewable Pepto, chewable fiber, and those sticky heating pad things you wear all day. Great for tense shoulders and hips.
10. Zagats’ “Best Restaurants in America” 2009.
11. Cash for tolls and emergency cash, plus quarters for laundry.

Things to Pack
All of the above, plus:
1. Two weeks’ worth of clothes. Shorts, tank tops, t-shirts. A pair of jeans for when it gets chilly at night. Flip-flops, tennis shoes, one nice pair of shoes. Bathing suit and towel. Fleece. Laundry detergent. A hat.
2. Laptop.
3. Passport.
4. American Express card.
5. Books, DVDs (to watch on your laptop), a deck of cards.
6. Sleeping bag, pillow, beach chair, air mattress, camping supplies.
7. Assorted toiletries—shampoo, conditioner, lotion, deodorant, etc.—plus backups of each thing. Also basic medical supplies—Band-Aids, Ace bandage, Neosporin, etc. And extra sunscreen.
8. Something to distribute to your hosts. I couldn’t sleep on someone’s sofa empty-handed; I usually brought a nice bottle of wine, and kept a case or two of assorted wine for such purposes. (Also for my own drinking pleasure, of course.) Don't forget corkscrew and bottle opener.

The things I absolutely, positively could not have lived without: GPS, iPhone, camera and my American Express card. And sunscreen. Lots and lots of sunscreen.

Final mileage logged: a shade over 19,000.