Things I've learned from working in a restaurant

1. No one ever pushes their chairs in when they leave. Why not? Were you all raised in a barn?

2. You can never tell who the big tipper is going to be. Last night it was a fat guy on a possible blind date with a very young, very sluttily dressed girl. (Almost 40%.) Last weekend it was the guy having a fight with his wife, who didn't touch his food. (Almost 80%.) The converse of that, of course, is that you can never tell who the crappy tipper is going to be. Chances are excellent it will be the old couple, drinking coffee with steak, who want to take the bread home, but not necessarily. I've had the old couple tip 12%; I've had them tip 25%. You never know.

3. You'd be surprised how many people get upset when they just waltz into a restaurant at 7:30 on a Saturday night, expecting to get a table immediately, and can't.

4. If someone refuses to eat the head-on shrimp "because they have eyes," they will not want to eat the bone marrow risotto or the beef heart ragu. Trust me on this.

5. It is low-class to order a burger, made with organic, grass-fed beef, dripping with caramelized onions, cheddar cheese, and Russian dressing, and then ask for ketchup.

6. If you don't like something, it really is okay to say you don't like it. (In nice restaurants, anyway; I'm not sure I'd try this at Applebee's.) We want you to like the food, to have an amazing experience. If you order something and it's just not what you expected, we'll make you something else and not charge you for the first thing. Really. Ditto for cocktails.

7. No one ever places their silverware properly when they're done eating, either. When you're done eating, you place your fork, tines down, and knife together at the 4:00 position on your plate. That way, I know to come over and take your plate away. If you put the fork and knife back down beside your plate, or on the bread plate, or over to one side, or you just leave your fork embedded in the food, I will think you're still trying to eat it. Again: was everyone raised in a barn?

8. Restaurant workers wear those god-awful ugly clogs for a reason. My back, and feet, were killing me all the time until I broke down and bought a $100 pair of god-awful ugly clogs, specially designed for restaurant workers. No more back and foot pain.

9. Restaurant food tastes amazing for primarily two reasons: lots of butter, and high heat. Our baked chicken doesn't taste like your baked chicken at home, because we can fire it in an 800-degree oven, giving it a particularly crispy skin without drying out the middle. Then we can melt half a stick of butter over it.