Crushes and Chekhov

I know, I really gotta start posting more often. But it's January, and it's cold, and it's so much effort to do anything... anyway. Because it's cold and I can't be bothered to go out when it's less than twenty degrees outside, I don't have much to report. I saw "The Cherry Orchard" at BAM on Tuesday with Ethan Hawke et al on Tuesday, directed by Sam Mendes. The tickets were courtesy of an ex, a completely random altruistic gesture. It may be the first time he's ever been actually kind to me. It was a great production, but I'm reminded of why I don't like Chekhov. Predictable, staid, dated, and soul-crushingly depressing in that bleak Russian way. I don't like anything that's predictable, especially my theatre.

I posted this on my Facebook page earlier, and it was fun to write. Reposting it here for entertainment value.

My Inexplicable Crush List
1. Sean Connery. I don't think this one is inexplicable at all--true, he's a wife-beating jerk in real life, but that voice...that accent...excuse me while I go have a private moment.
2. Hank Azaria. One of the very few truly talented working actors, who is also good-looking. Usually the two don't go together. And we gotta give him props for doing all those voices on "The Simpsons."
3. John Malkovich, circa "Dangerous Liasions." Not the most attractive man in the world, but that's not the point.
4. Tommy Lee Jones. He has actual, real-life gravitas. And his voice comforts me. I don't know why.
5. In seventh grade, I had the most awful crush on an eighth-grader named Troy. I'm sure he didn't know I existed; all my fantasies were based upon one completely random glance he gave me at AJ Skateworld.
6. In sixth grade, I had a crush on a guy named...Matt something. I don't remember now. I do remember I got up the nerve to tell him I had a crush on him. The next day, he ran over to my table at lunch, gave me a note, and ran away again. I was deliriously happy until I opened it, to discover it was just his used napkins from lunch, folded up. Everyone laughed.
7. In high school, I had a mad crush on Brian Peeler. Having learned my lesson from #6, I was content to worship from afar. He did know I existed, at least--we did a couple of plays together. I remember I gave him a candy cane for Christmas one year and he said I was his hero, because that would be his lunch for the day.
8. Adam Rapp. He's a playwright, I love love love his plays, and I want to marry him and have lots of little playwright babies. Well, not really, but he's a working playwright who's straight. What are the odds?
9. Jeremy Piven. I know, I know, a complete ass in real life and shorter than I am. Still, I've adored him (and his acting ability) ever since his cameo in "Say Anything." ("I love you, man!" "Chill! You must chill!")
10. Michael J. Fox. Pockets and I had the most all-consuming crush on him when we were 11 and 12. We watched every episode of "Family Ties," watched "Back to the Future" incessantly, bought teen magazines he was in, and concocted elaborate fantasies as to what we would do if his car ever broke down in Appomattox County and he had to come use one of our phones. We were weird kids.
11. I have a little work crush on someone at work. Not sayin' who.
12. Judd Apatow, and anyone who's ever been in a Judd Apatow movie or series (especially "Freaks and Geeks").